Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Freedom of Expression

My feet wait there listening and when
they dislike what happens they begin
to press on the floor. They know when
it is time to walk out on a program. Pretty soon
they are moving, and as the program fades
you can hear the sound of my feet on gravel.

If your feet have standards, you too
may be reminded - you need not
accept what's given. You gamblers,
pimps, braggarts, oppressive people: -
"Not here." my feet are saying, "no thanks;
let me out of this." And I'm gone.

~ William Stafford

Friday, September 14, 2007


yep. relationships are the best way to learn. i am not just talking male/female relationships here. i am talking about all interactions with others as being an opportunity to grow and stretch as an individual. when i get my back up a bit, or someone else bristles about something i have done, there is a seed for growth there.

it is not to say that we shouldn't be discerning about those we relate to on a constant basis, but avoiding the challenges of human relationship is also an avoidance of the joys and rewards of being human.

i find that i have often been 'the peacemaker' when relating with others. i have suppressed my own feelings in order to keep everything nice on the outside - meanwhile eating myself up on the inside. this is partly a product of having vastly different parents who were at odds with one another, severing any form of friendship at the time of their divorce when i was 5. i was wanting to be loved by them both and not have them angry at each other or put me in the middle of it. i couldn't help it, i was in the middle of it.

this behavior of mine still continues to rear its head in the relationships with those closest to me. i would like to say that it doesn't, and certainly it is present to a lesser degree than it used to be, but, it is so deeply ingrained in me to keep the peace and keep everyone happy that it isn't a pattern that will vaporize with the waving of a magic wand. i must exercise awareness, vigilance, and cultivate a greater capacity for truthful yet compassionate communication.

this is where the learning is: in the awareness and the willingness to show up and account for my own feelings - even if they are not pleasant. and in the patience with myself to fail with others, to allow myself to piss the hell out of other people, take responsibility for my share of the indiscretion, but know that it isn't always my problem. it is an extreme form of arrogance to think that we can be responsible for the feelings of others. we can only do our best in our own humanness to communicate authentically and respect ourselves and each other; be self-responsible and accountable. so what if we fuck up sometimes? there is no such thing as perfect. there is no such thing as 'normal.' and if those two things exist, i don't want them - they are too boring!

so give me the muck and the challenges. i want to get my hands dirty. i want to grow.

Sunday, September 2, 2007


Standing in line
I felt eyes
studying me.

"You are so pretty.
You are so much fun
to look at."

What does it mean?
The obsession
with flesh? For men?

My own preoccupation -
a familiar one for women.
What curves,

the sinuousness and creases,
length, width..
Why this terrorism

of self? So common.
When will we choose,
one by one,

to stand in the equality
of our own diversity?
Surrender to the joy

of the body.