relate

yep. relationships are the best way to learn. i am not just talking male/female relationships here. i am talking about all interactions with others as being an opportunity to grow and stretch as an individual. when i get my back up a bit, or someone else bristles about something i have done, there is a seed for growth there.

it is not to say that we shouldn't be discerning about those we relate to on a constant basis, but avoiding the challenges of human relationship is also an avoidance of the joys and rewards of being human.

i find that i have often been 'the peacemaker' when relating with others. i have suppressed my own feelings in order to keep everything nice on the outside - meanwhile eating myself up on the inside. this is partly a product of having vastly different parents who were at odds with one another, severing any form of friendship at the time of their divorce when i was 5. i was wanting to be loved by them both and not have them angry at each other or put me in the middle of it. i couldn't help it, i was in the middle of it.

this behavior of mine still continues to rear its head in the relationships with those closest to me. i would like to say that it doesn't, and certainly it is present to a lesser degree than it used to be, but, it is so deeply ingrained in me to keep the peace and keep everyone happy that it isn't a pattern that will vaporize with the waving of a magic wand. i must exercise awareness, vigilance, and cultivate a greater capacity for truthful yet compassionate communication.

this is where the learning is: in the awareness and the willingness to show up and account for my own feelings - even if they are not pleasant. and in the patience with myself to fail with others, to allow myself to piss the hell out of other people, take responsibility for my share of the indiscretion, but know that it isn't always my problem. it is an extreme form of arrogance to think that we can be responsible for the feelings of others. we can only do our best in our own humanness to communicate authentically and respect ourselves and each other; be self-responsible and accountable. so what if we fuck up sometimes? there is no such thing as perfect. there is no such thing as 'normal.' and if those two things exist, i don't want them - they are too boring!

so give me the muck and the challenges. i want to get my hands dirty. i want to grow.