pondering a wandering wallet

Am i in Arizona yet?

Nope. Not yet.

Am i even on the road?

Nope.

Funny thing - as you all know, i had been feeling weird ('perturbed') about getting on the road. What i didn't say was that i had been feeling so perturbed, that for several days i had prayed to God every night and every morning to help me understand what i needed to do. i knew i wanted to take this trip; it means the world to me to see people and places i so dearly love, yet i can be strangely stubborn in sticking to certain plans - even when they aren't the best of plans.

Oddly enough, i am not one to 'pray to God' about things like this - pray for 'answers.' i often pray for others who are in pain, pray for the world.. and give thanks for all that i have. Sometimes i ask for help with a few things, but for the most part, when it comes to moving through daily life, i rely on a sort of 'inner guidance.' i felt so troubled about this issue though, that i earnestly and fervently prayed for help... 'please, God, help me understand my fear, and what course of action (or inaction) i need to take.' Again and again i prayed for about three days and kept to my original course of action until...

yesterday around 7pm, my wallet took a walk on another pair of legs. This was particularly problematic, as i was planning to leave around 5am the next morning. my plans were foiled! As you can imagine, i was not so happy at first. but, it did turn out to be the answer to my three days of prayer.

My wallet had no cash in it. I had withdrawn cash for my trip and kept it in a separate envelope. And, i have a duplicate drivers license, so the only crucial item missing was my bank card, which i needed to make the trip and access funds. ultimately, this meant i could leave Monday morning after straightening everything out with the bank...

i often marvel at parenthood: the incredible commitment it is. Unfortunately my parents often hear from me when something has 'gone wrong.' Particularly my mom - she is a comfy emotional armchair i can sink into when i'm feeling blue. This time i called her, not particularly panicked, but disgruntled about what happened and let her know that my trip would certainly be delayed. She helped me see more clearly how rushed i'd been with everything, and that this really was an opportunity for me to Stop and regroup before hitting the road - who knows what sort of accident i could be avoiding.

Something in me sighed a huge sigh of relief as i surrendered to this little setback. And i started examining this lesson as a part of a larger life lesson i've been peeling away at like old paint, one layer at a time.

There is something in me that feels i am never doing enough, and if i slow down, there is something wrong with me. This is no longer such a prevalent theme as it used to be, and i am very fortunate to have people in my life who remind me that who i am and what i do is beautiful - as is. i had a friend recently say that i didn't need to worry about being 'superwoman' because i already was, just in my nature and the way i move through life. It was really sweet, and i thought 'thank God for these people who help me stay sane.' Yet, when something is deeply ingrained in us, it takes time to change the behavior associated with that particular way of being.

It is also hard not to beat yourself up for such silly moments and setbacks. After all, it is just another lesson. i see life as a beautiful, if not at times terribly crude, series of lessons. i do my best to take each as it comes and allow the rest to unfold without trying to control the flow of it all. And at the same time, i know that in every moment i have the opportunity to choose love or fear. i have the opportunity to change my life and the lives of those around me by choosing love - love for myself first. in this case it meant stopping for a day and nurturing myself before speeding off on I-5.

i see in life, it is not our actions that count, but the intention and feeling behind them. it is not what we have, but how we feel about what we have, and who we are. it is our connection to our own heart and to God that ultimately births peace into the world.

i talked to my mom again this morning:

"The only productive things i have done so far, are to eat breakfast and look at my atlas."

"Good."

"All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Peace in the struggle
to find peace
comfort on the way
to comfort"
~ Sarah McLachlan


"Love.. what more is there?
We need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There's bad times
But that's okay
Just look for love in it"
~ Dave Matthews Band